A walk through the garden of forgiveness

Having spent three months on the island with nothing but an olive tree and the sea, I returned to my hometown to begin with what will be the biggest change in my life.

Sitting here in my 55m² flat. Looking around. Shattered by all the distractions I acquired over the years. I realize I couldn't stand my life without all theses. A life in luxury that means nothing but distraction. Everything to not face the bottom of my soul, but to survive.

Could I have done any better? I know these questions lead nowhere, but it's the sort of questions that lead to this emotional response. The feel of having failed.

The experience I made on the island is, what turned out to me, the only truth. The realization that I can be happy just while being there. Experiencing bliss while sitting under my olive tree and gazing at the surrounding nature; Becoming aware of myself being part of the common consciousness of life right here, right now.

I didn't expect to feel that way when returning home. It caught me by surprise. Contrary to what I thought, I come to know that I haven't fully made peace with my past yet. Time has come.

I can sense the bottomless pit I was trapped in for so long. It feels just like that; the way I feel right now. My life unfolds before my eyes. Concerns about past broken relationships while being over protective toward love. Trying to avoid getting hurt, but as a result, causing harm to myself and others. Friendships I've lost. Decisions I took and the consequences. Worries of a repeating past.

Right now, I just want to break up and leave everything behind, forgetting about it; Looking forward. While this sounds like an advice we use to give to a friend, I know it's not that simple; It's even dangerous to do so. Ignorance and avoidance isn't about making peace. It will shoot back eventually.

So I'm sitting here wriggling through memories and try to forgive myself for every single one. Telling myself, I did the best I could, and that's Okay. For relationships, it's rare for someone to intentionally harm another person. We all live our live with the best of our knowledge and level of consciousness. Our beliefs, desires, and needs often conflict, causing us to hurt and be hurt.

“And you shouldn't blame yourself. Learn from it. Grow from it, but don't allow it to consume you again. Easier said than done, I know.” ― T.J. Klune

While I know it isn't, it feels like I'm sitting here in between pieces of my shattered life. My past. Like someone's crushing my heart and no matter how loud I yell, this someone seems to be out of reach.

Trying to get my head around and make use of everything i learned. I know this someone is part of me but he doesn't know about forgiveness. I'm talking to him, trying to shake hands, giving a hug and begging him to open up. To let be and let go.

Ok, let's give him a face. He's a hell of a machine. Proud and undestroyable. Able to climb the highest mountains and reach out to the stars. Thanks to him I got away from drugs in my youth. He enabled me to establish myself professionally without a degree. He got me back on my knees every time I fell. An unpassable wall; Solid as a rock. As such, he saved me from experiencing pain of relationships; of life. Here I am; ready but refrained.

No, he doesn't know about forgiveness. And I'm having hard times to make him understand. I'm thankful for his services since without him I wouldn't be here anymore. But the time has come to separate. I'm okay now. I'm ready to open up and let life in.

Perhaps I may ask for one last service. Help me to smash down the wall. It's of no use anymore. Let us go through together and let experience that there's nothing to fear.

Someone I loved told me once, "Sometimes all there is to do is bear with it and wait for it to pass."

“Take a walk through the garden of forgiveness and pick a flower of forgiveness for everything you have ever done. When you get to that time that is now, make a full and total forgiveness of your entire life and smile at the bouquet in your hands because it truly is beautiful.” ― Stephen Richards

So here I am, picking up my flowers and waiting for the storm to pass.

Enjoy the moment.